Our pals here at ThePalination have been kind enough to invite this Beast to contribute to the blog. The Beast is quite pleased to be here and hopes you will find his ruminations illuminating and amusing (although most likely more the latter than the former). because it is both a new year and decade, the Beast has decided to inaugurate his arrival with a list of Predictions For 2010:
The Shape Of Things To Come! The Beast's 2010 Predictions.
Greetings, fellow citizens of the planet, and welcome to the future! And oh, what a future it has become! Who would have believed that all those wonderful predictions made in the 20th century have all come to pass in the here and now? As our parents and grandparents slogged along in the muck of the 40's, 50's (and the radioactive ash piles of the nuclear war of 1983), they dreamed of flying cars and carrots the size of Canoes. Their long wait has paid off - now it's 2010 and all of those dreams are reality! Let us savor the fruits of our endeavors!
Personal Transportation: It's hard to believe, but automobiles in the 20th century were slow, tiny things that were stuck on the ground, unsafe and expensive to operate. Nowadays, everybody has a jetcar the size of a house! Running on safe fusion power, jetcars can whisk us to any part of the globe in hours! Imagine a world in which cars got smaller, more expensive to own and ran a few hundred miles only on a trickle charge from house current - how horrible would that be? Good thing we're in the future! In 2010 look for the first suborbital models to hit the dealership.
Energy: After nuclear power made electricity too cheap to bother to meter, life really blossomed for the average consumer. Why bother to shovel your driveway when you could implant a heating grid in it and melt the snow away? Why mess up the fishing in perfectly good rivers with unsightly hydro dams? Imagine a world in which we had to scrimp on power and run our homes on windmills and other silly 18th century gimcracks - inconceivable! Good thing we're in the future! In 2010 look for the Grid to wither compleltely away thanks to advances in cheap, safe "Mr Fusion" generators that will make each and every one of us into our own Grid!
Weather Control: remember when January was a cold month? Not any more! Thanks to our weather technology we have conquered the frost and the world is now a warm, safe place! A few Luddites argue that they want the planet cooler again, but nobody listens to those crackpots! Good thing we're in the future! In 2010 look for 60 degree January to finally become fact worldwide - watch out February, we're gunning for ya!
Moon Base Alpha: after Man conquered the moon in the 60's we had the good sense to keep right at it, and boy was the payoff sweet! From nuclear fusion to longevity drugs, the moon was a worthwhile investment. Imagine a world in which we went there a half dozen times and then gave up - what a waste! Good thing we're in the future! In 2010 look for the final establishment of Mars Base Bradbury, with a permanent crew of 20. Meanwhile that odd black Monolith we discovered buried in Tycho Crater has the Propeller Head Boys scratching their beans. It'll probably turn out to be nothing.
Health Care: first we licked the bacteria, then the viruses, then cancer, and now aging itself! New longevity drugs will come online in 2010 and we're all going to live to 200, instead of our paltry current age of 125! Imagine a world of limited resources where antibiotics have failed and the government decides who gets treatment and who doesn't. Who'd want that? Good thing we're in the future! Look for the new happy pill "Soma™" to come out later this year, the pre-buzz is good.
And in a related story, ignore those predictions floating around that in the year 2525 you'll pick your son (pick your daughter too), from the bottom of a long black tube, whoa-whoa! Wacky!
And Let's Not Forget The Little Lady: thanks to all the modern conveniences, the missus no longer has to lift a pretty finger to turn her home into Hubby's Castle! In the bygone days, the man of the house showing up at the door with his boss for dinner was a domestic disaster! In 2010, all mom has to do is pop another NutriPill™ in the Nuclear Convection Oven, tell house computer HAL-9000 what time to have it ready and presto! A 5 course meal fit for a King - her king! From self-cleaning houses to shower stall cellulite suckers, today's Domestic Goddess has it sweet! In 2010 look for the new genetically modified Ape servants to displace Domestibots as preferred household staff. They're cheaper and smarter and they don't break down, although they do tend to bite, occasionally. Ignore the rumors of a talking Ape named "Cornelius" who's trying to organize a revolt - that sounds like a bad sci fi movie! Good thing we're in the future!
Politics: ever since the Communists took power and then the state withered away, life has been grand. Now everybody's equal, but some are still more equal than others. The hot political prospect for 2010 is this cat who calls himself "Big Brother". He seems like the kind of guy you'd want to have a beer with. In the olden days people had to vote for their leaders - good thing we're in the future!
So that's 2010, folks! The future's so bright we got to wear shades - especially after Jupiter blew up into our second sun. All these worlds are ours except Europa - attempt no landings there.
I hear we're mounting the first expedition now.
